Most of you here in NYC probably don't see celebrities very often. Even less common is seeing celebrities doing wacky stuff like smoking pot in broad daylight or pleasuring themselves in public. But we assure you, it's happening, and it's all around you. Keep an eye out. If you look hard enough, you may just see some of these public, expensive, and often borderline insane fights between celebrities in your nearest NYC nightclub.
5. Chris Brown vs. Drake vs. Tony Parker
You might have heard of the now-infamous brawl between Chris Brown and Drake over a certain red-haired vocalist that's been known to date around. This brawl may have been instigated partially by the fact that Brown had physically assaulted said vocalist for throwing some keys out of a window.
The fight apparently started when Drake, Rihanna's on-off boyfriend, walked into W.i.P nightclub in SoHo with a clearly overcompensating entourage of 15 members. Brown sent over a conciliatory $2,000 bottle of champagne to their table, figuring that a mere $2k could buy off Drake's fiery wrath, but to no avail. Drake returned the bottle, along with an note that purportedly stated, "I'm still f****** Rihanna", and then the party started.
Bottles flew, massive bodyguards started brawling, and apparently a large group of middle-aged white women joined in the fight just for the hell of it. Okay, SoHo. Have it your way.
Although the first thing smashed was likely that $2,000 bottle of champagne, it was by far not the most expensive. Tony Parker, who happened to be attending the club at the same time, sued W.i.P for TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS, claiming that they were responsibly for failing to "control attendees Drake and Brown" as well as for "corneal laceration of [Parker's] left eye." To put this in perspective, $20 million is two years of Parker's salary, which is 250 times the average American salary, which is infinity times my current salary.
However, the club may have a way out of this. In Justin Bieber's and Drake's artistic collaboration "Right Here", Bieber explicitly states that "Aint nobody gon control you", presumably in reference to Drake's physical demeanor and boisterous personality. Given this new information, the club may be able to put up a suitable defense claiming that Drake had been previously declared constitutionally uncontrollable by the binding document Justin Bieber ft. Drake: Right Here lyrics, and is therefore absolved of all legal responsibility.*
*I have little to zero knowledge of how the American justice system functions. Feel free to file a complaint by visiting Rentenna and clicking "purchase" on the most expensive apartment available.
4. Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell
This is one of the better known feuds in NYC, started by O'Donnell's off-hand comment on The View in the Upper West Side that Trump was a "snake-oil" salesman for not firing his employee, Miss USA Tara Conner. Because even Trump realized that nobody under 30 has the faintest idea what this term even means, he took the high road, retaliating with the mature approach of calling her fat. And a loser. And a lesbian. (Which is true, but still a juvenile and possibly bigoted attack.)
Unsurprisingly, Barbara Walters soon jumped into the mix, painting Trump as a "poor and pathetic" man who needed psychiatric help. As Trump presumably couldn't consider a series of insults for a straight, thin white female, he didn't lower himself to answer these remarks, but instead kept up a steadystream of insulting comments which continues to this day.
To culminate it all, WWE found this feud so interesting that it staged its own version of Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell, which of course involved overzealous hairdos and pie-throwing.
3. Tommy Hilfiger, presum vs. Axel Rose
No, we're not making stuff up. Yes, these two dished it out at a West Village nightclub a few years ago, and yes, both of these characters are still alive (to the surprise of all).
Apparently, they both were attending Rosaria Dawson's birthday party, and everything was going perfectly well until Rose committed the heinous and indefensible offense of moving Hilfiger's girlfriend's drink.
This being the worst event to occur since Hilfiger's Ugly Christmas Sweater Line of clothing, they immediately started dishing it out, with Tommy Hilfiger criticizing Axel's jewelry.
Apparently, at the moment Hilfiger noticed the gaudy jewelry Axel was wearing, he knew that Rose needed a severe punch to the face. Talk about a severe fashion designer.
They later went on to make up and declare themselves best of friends, presumably by Hilfiger showing Rose how not to dress like a Hell's Angels biker and Rose showing Hilfiger what some actual talent is.
2. Plaxico Burress vs. Plaxico Burress
This isn't necessarily a celebrity feud, per se. It's not even a celebrity fight. This particular incident, rather, could be classified under "Dumb Things Celebrities Do When They Have Too Much Free Time."
On November 28, 2008 Plaxico Burress walked into the Midtown nightclub LQ with a gun in his pocket. If that wasn't a poor decision considering that's illegal in NYC, as well as SEVERELY frowned upon by the massive bouncers guarding the establishment, he then felt that it was necessary to readjust it in his jeans. Multiple times. Apparently, Plaxico didn't feel that a safety was necessary, nor was proper handgun procedure, because he took the entirely predictable step of shooting himself in the leg.
Amazingly, the New York Police Department didn't choose to file charges immediately. Why? Because they didn't hear about it until they saw it on TV. True American justice for everyone, here.
1. Alec Baldwin vs. Some Photographer's Foot
Alec Baldwin has had a long history of not giving a f&*$, ranging from getting kicked off a plane for failing to put away a phone to threatening his daughter by voicemail: in very aggressive tones. Check out the link for the transcript.
This, of course, fits in perfectly with his image a charming Princeton graduate Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock:
[caption id="attachment_2498" align="alignnone" width="410" class="size-full wp-image-2498" title="Jack Donaghy 30 Rock" src="https://www.rentenna.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Jack-Donaghy-30-Rock.png" alt="Jack Donaghy 30 Rock" height="279" width="410">[/caption]
However, his most recent NYC encounter involved not his family or a random flight attendant, but a 5' 2" female photographer who tried to take a picture of him.
While biking out of his apartment, he knocked over (intentionally or accidentally) said Daily News photographer, and to add insult to injury, ran over her foot with his mountain bike. Realizing that this would likely be the only interesting news of the day, all the surrounding reporters immediately began banging out a story about the incident rather than helping the poor woman up.
Baldwin went on to greet former President Bill Clinton that day, and has since taken to walking around with a sheet over his head in a misguided attempt to both avoid photographers and look like the worst costume at a elementary school Halloween party